Ok, that’s not entirely true. I hated it long before I started. Now it’s just my stubborness that is keeping me going.
Let’s go through some pros and cons shall we?
- Health benefits
- It’s free
- Cuddle time
- No bottles to wash and sterilize
- There is a little person attached to my boobs for almost 10hours a day. 10 HOURS!!!!! I love her but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
- Not being able to share the feeding is exhausting. It means being the one to wake up every hour or two hours throughout the night. Sometimes a feed lasts thirty minutes and sometimes three hours.
- The tiredness is making me feel really depressed at times. It’s even worse on cloudy or bad weather days. Everything just feels so overwhelming that the tears are rolling before I even know what’s happening.
- I hate having my boobs hanging out. I’m a private person when it comes to my body. I don’t even hug people very often. Being exposed like that even if it’s just my husband there doesn’t feel great to me. What’s weird is how accepted it becomes. My MIL doesn’t even leave anymore when I need to feed the baby. I will fiff and faff trying to kill time hoping to get some privacy at least until I can latch baby and semi cover up but it doesn’t always work that way.
- I just want my body back. I want to wear normal padded bras and not leak all over.
But then I look down at her when she’s feeding and that ridiculously small hand is resting so trustingly on my chest and I wonder how I can be so selfish. So I will suck it up and suffer it out for as long as I can. If I really feel like this is affecting my mental health then I will start formula feeding but until then I will do my best to give this little baby the best start to life that I can.