The situation came to a head the other night. Lots has happened.
- I am no longer nursing my daughter. I just couldn’t take it anymore. My sense of self was being chipped away and it was taking its toll not just on me but also my family. My husband was miserable seeing me cry every night from exhaustion and a baby who just wouldn’t stop drinking a few sips at a time. I didn’t have time for my toddler because I was always nursing. I felt like I was spending days at a time sectioned off in my bedroom, all alone, nursing the little one. I was not happy. That’s too simple. It’s not that I wasn’t happy, I was miserable. Which combined with exhaustion is a dangerous cocktail post birth. I put a lot of thought and tears into it and finally decided to formula feed at night so she sleeps longer stretches and pump during the day so she still gets the good stuff. As my husband pointed out, A was formula fed and she is perfect so why am I doing this to myself? I may even stop pumping soon. My breasts feel as if they have been punched repeatedly. I’m not sure if the pump is too strong maybe. Anyway, as soon as we decided to go the bottle route I felt a giant weight being lifted off me. I felt relief. My body is my own again.
- I realised that I don’t really know who I am anymore besides a mum. My husband pointed out that all I read about on these blogs are mum stuff. What are my other interests? I have ZERO other interests! I have no hobbies. I don’t attend any classes. I don’t read up on anything of value to my life. I am becoming a boring housewife. This cannot go on. I love my kids. Leaving work was the best decision I could have made. But after 3 and a half years I realise that I need more in my life to feel fulfilled. I think that’s the problem (forgive me for rambling, I’m typing as thoughts occur to me). I no longer feel fulfilled from just being a mum. I did for a long time but now suddenly I don’t. I want more. I don’t necessarily want to go back to work right away but I want time to do some stuff non-mum related. J and I were chatting about things I could do and I’m going to try my hand at writing children’s books next year. We have a great concept. But I need that elusive thing called quiet time to work on it. Which leads to my next point.
- J has started job hunting. Which is great. I have cabin fever. Anyway, he started looking at jobs and applying then got an email with an interview for a company in the Netherlands. Which completely blew the whole job hunt situation wide open. We hadnt really considered job hunting globally. But now we are. The problem is this: we want to retire at 40. Which is a hard target to meet. If we stay in S.A. there is a strong chance of this happening. Maybe. Possibly. If we leave to work abroad it may still happen but also it may not coz we will also be sightseeing and maximising our working holiday. An option is to go overseas and work hard but live as lean as we are now. I don’t want to do that. I m tired of being stuck at home. I miss having a car. I miss buying stuff and not stressing about money. I miss shopping at Woolworths! I want my toddler to go to school. I can see that she isn’t getting enough attention at home and I feel terrible. This will only get worse when I’m the only one at home and there’s a baby who needs attention.
Ugh. I’m tired. Here’s my goals for 2017
- Carve out some time to do something non-parent related. Then excel at that shit. I’m thinking of cycling and possibly mountain biking.
- Write some kids stories. I used to love writing. And I have seen some pretty horrid books at the library so I’m pretty sure I can do something better and hopefully get some income from that. I miss getting a pay check more than I miss my car. And I miss my car a LOT.
- Find a good babysitter. I need more couple time with my husband. We are too immersed in this parenting business and also paranoidly protective of our little ones.
- Make new friends. And also put effort into the friendships that are already there but that I have neglected.