That’s the harsh talking to that I gave myself two weeks ago.
It’s been a while since I have blogged. Life has been crazy. We moved provinces, my husband started work again and I’m now a stay at home mum to a toddler and a baby. Two or three nights of the week I’m flying solo until my husband gets home at 8pm. Needless to say it’s been a bit hectic and I have stumbled while trying to find my feet. I still havnt found it but I’m trying and its getting easier.
Anyway, I was making supper about two weeks ago while the baby was sleeping and my toddler was looking for some attention as she always is these days. I can’t remember what she did but I remember that I flipped out. I yelled at her and she ran to her room. She ran. But not before I saw a scared look on her face. I don’t know if she was scared of me, of getting in trouble or what it was but that was a lightbulb moment for me.
Have you ever had that moment where everything falls into place? I realised in that split second that I was being a bad mum. In my efforts to get through the day I was missing out on the best parts of the day. Being home with my girls. I had been scolding my toddler for so many little things that in hindsight was just her being a kid. She wasn’t trying to be loud when baby was sleeping, she was just happy to play with me. She didn’t intentionally drop the paint on the floor, she was too engrossed in her painting to notice. So many little things.Yet all the little things had culminated in this moment when my precious child had ran away from me in fear. What the hell was I doing. My three year old was biting her nails and it was probably because of me.
So I stopped. I went to the room where she was crying under the blanket and I apologised. I chatted to her and we played and as kids do she forgave me. But I didn’t forgive myself so easily. It was time for a change. So I changed. I planned my day better so that I could uses baby’s nap times for one on one time. I let her help me cook and bake again so that even when I was busy she felt involved. I listened when she spoke to me. Really listened. I gave her craft activities to keep her busy instead of watching tv. But most importantly I took notice. I stopped using my ‘shouty’ voice and expecting her to be ‘well behaved’ all the time. And the strangest thing is that by calming myself down I somehow got her to calm down.
Now she plays quietly when I’m making baby sleep because she knows that when I come out of the room we have time together. She tries harder to clean up after herself because it makes her proud when I compliment her on being a big girl. So many little things have changed. She’s become more playful again. She looks happier. And I think she feels more secure now because she even sleeps in her own room without crying for me.
I’m so grateful that my wake up call came sooner rather than later.