It’s Easter Sunday. Instead of hiding and finding Easter eggs with our girls, I’m sitting in the car in the gym parking lot and hiding from the world. I need a timeout. I don’t have anything left to give. I’m tapped out. I need to be alone.
This happens to me sometimes. I am an introvert. Socialising or spending any lengthy amount of time with people (even my own kids) without getting time by myself exhausts me. It physically, mentally and emotionally drains me to the point where I just break. Something gives way without warning and I find myself standing at the kitchen sink, that never seems to stay empty, silently bawling my eyes out.
I woke up this morning, just like every morning, too early and to the sound of ‘mummum?’. My youngest hasn’t been feeling too good for the past few days so she hasn’t been sleeping well. This means I havn’t been sleeping well either. She has a terrible cough that keeps waking her and somehow she knows when I leave the bed even if she’s in a deep sleep. So I have been pretty much bed bound from the moment she goes to bed at 7pm, with her sleeping on me most of the time.
Normally this wouldn’t be an issue but the girls have been sick on and off (passing the illness between them like a germy tennis match) since Jan. If you have kids, you know that this comes with a special type of clinginess. Which I understand, they need their Mum.
It’s been a busy few weeks. For some reason, my calendar has been quite full with a lot of socialising which is actually not the norm for me. I try to limit my social interaction to WhatsApp and social media as much as possible. It’s where I’m most comfortable and I don’t have to change out of my pjs to hang out. I think the combination of needy family and busy social life has taken its toll. It’s exhausting me which is making me unhappy and angry.
I’m getting angry about really dumb stuff. This morning I saw that the packet of Easter Eggs that I took out last night for us to hide this morning had been left on the floor in the lounge. I just could not understand why my husband wouldn’t put it out of sight or at least on the table. Yes, he’s busy working at night but surely that doesn’t make it ok for the girls to find the eggs that the ‘Easter Bunny’ is supposed to be hiding for them?
When does it end?
Ugh. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being the one who has to wake up first every day and make breakfast and lunch for school. I’m tired of being the one who always has to know what time the kids need to eat or make sure that there is something ready at mealtime. I’m tired of constantly cleaning up.
Even though I know I’m fighting a losing battle, I need our place to be as clutter free as possible for me to function. When our home gets too messy I feel frazzled. Clean house, clean mind. I’m tired of feeling guilty for wanting time to work on the blog. The only time I have is when the kids go to sleep but thats the only time my husband gets to talk to me without being interrupted a million times so he naturally wants to maximize his quality time with me. I’m tired of being the favorite parent. As much as I know the girls love and adore their dad, I’m the one they go to when they want something even if he is sitting right next to them.
I’m the one they want to be carried by. I’m the one they want to sit on when watching tv. I’m the one they want to be fed by. I’m the one who needs to get the umpteenth bottle or glass of water. And it’s not for lack of trying on my husbands part. He is the most hands-on parent I know and he carries just as much of the parenting load as I do when he’s at home. Kids just have a go-to parent and in our case, that’s me.
How to fix this?
I need to plan my time better I think. I used to have Mums Day Out every Saturday from about 9-2 to recharge my batteries for the week. Being a stay at home parent pretty much means you live at work so getting away for a bit is a tiny slice of heaven. Recently I’v been using my Saturday’s to do social stuff for the blog or stuff with the kids. It’s burning me out. I am very much the energy source of our family. When I’m happy, everyone is happy. When I’m grumpy, EVERYONE is grumpy. The girls feed off my energy and my poor husband bears the brunt of the negative stuff.
I think I need to start alternating me having time out of the house, with having time alone at home. Even if it means hiding out in the granny cottage and doing some craft stuff for a while. As much as I love getting time to go out, I usually end up using it for personal admin and it’s a pain in the ass to come home to a messy house and then question whether those few hours were worth it (it’s usually not). Two hours alone at home is worth four out in my opinion.
But for now, I’m going to head into gym and listen to the Black Panther soundtrack as I exercise. Some loud music and endorphins will hopefully help me hit the reset button so that I can go home and be the fun parent my kids deserve today.